Burglar (1987)

Directed by: Hugh Wilson
Written by: Lawrence Block; Matthew Wilson + Hugh Wilson
Starring: Whoopi Goldberg, Bobcat Goldthwait, G.W. Bailey, Lesley Ann Warren, James Handy, Anne De Salvo, John Goodman, Elizabeth Ruscio

In 1985 Whoopi Goldberg made her film debut in 'The Color Purple' and gave one of the best performances of all time. After the success of 'The Color Purple' it seemed like Hollywood wasn't really sure how to find the right fit for Goldbergs talents. In 1986 and 1987, she starred in three action comedies, 'Jumpin' Jack Flash,' 'Fatal Beauty,' and 'Burglar.' It seemed like Hollywood was trying to mold her into a female Eddie Murphy.

Of the three, 'Burglar' is easily the best. Goldberg plays Bernice Rhodenbarr, a cat burglar and used book shop owner. When an ex-cop comes to her with a threat to hand in evidence that he withheld years ago that would incriminate her, she is forced to do a job for him. She agrees to steal a dentist's jewellery back from her ex-husband after a messy split. She carries out the crime but is interrupted and has to hide. When she comes out of hiding she finds the man dead and her bag of jewels gone. In order to clear herself she must find out who would want the man dead before the cops can get to her.

While 'Fatal Beauty' was too dark, and 'Jumpin' Jack Flash' was too scattershot, 'Burglar' manages to find a good balance between the comedy and the action. Most of the comedy comes from Goldberg, who plays the smart-ass, streetwise type very well. The rest of the laughs come from Bobcat Goldthwait, playing Goldberg's manic friend, and Lesley Ann Warren, playing the frazzled dentist. The rest of the cast plays it straight, not attempting to upstage the star, and it works well.

The film does have it's major flaws. Some sequences drag on too long, some of the comedy falls flat, and the movie is filled with cliched twists and turns. But when the film works, it works, thanks completely to Goldberg.



Final Verdict: See it if you want to see Whoopi Goldberg before she got all schmaltzy in the 1990's, and especially before she replaced Rosie on 'The View.'

Dead Of Winter (1987)

Directed by: Arthur Penn
Written by: Marc Shmuger + Mark Malone
Starring: Mary Steenburgen, Roddy McDowell, Jan Rubes, William Russ, Ken Pogue, Wayne Robson, Mark Malone

Mary Steenburgen plays Katie, a down on her luck actress who is told that she is being considered to take over a film role that was being played by someone else who greatly resembles her. The casting director (Roddy McDoweel) tell her that the first actress had a breakdown and ran away from the set. She is taken to a snowbound country house in remote upstate New York to film an audition tape for the eldery, wheelchair bound producer (Jan Rubes.) After she arrives, things begin to look as if they are not what they seem. Katie soon realizes she is in incredible danger and attempts escape.

With a premise straight out of a 40's suspense melodrama, I didn't expect much from this film. Like most bad thrillers, the most entertaining portions of the film occur in the last twenty minutes, after the damsel in distress finally pieces things together and has to fight for her life. But the majority of the movie is just tedious set-up and scenes of Katie acting like an idiot as she uncovers what her hosts are really up to.

Is she so desperate for a job that she'd go to a remote house out in the country with a complete stranger, just to shoot an audition tape? If you see your drivers license burning in a fireplace, would you not automatically question your hosts? The movie is filled with situations where Katie is forced to do something stupid in order to move the story along. I've seen this so many times in so many of these kinds of movies, but at least sometimes it's exciting. Not here.



Like I said, things pick up in the last act. When Katie's evil Doppelgänger shows up, things get interesting, mainly because we get to see Steenburgen play two different roles, one timid and afraid, the other heartless and evil. Unfortunately for the film, but not for me, their final confrontation is so absurdly shot and choreographed, the scene intended to be tense turns out to be hilarious camp straight out of a Joan Crawford or Bette Davis thriller from the twilight of their careers.

To sum things up the movie isn't a complete disaster, it's just too derivative of films of the past, and doesn't add anything new to the 'woman in distress' thriller sub-genre. Steenburgen is pretty good, even if her character can be a complete idiot at times, and Roddy McDowell has some demented fun when the shit finally hits the fan during the climax.



Final Verdict: See It (if you don't mind cliches.)

And God Created Woman (1988)

Directed by: Roger Vadim
Written by: R.J. Stewart
Starring: Rebecca De Mornay, Vincent Spano, Frank Lengella, Donovan Leitch, Judith Chapman

Probably one of the worst movies of the 1980's, 'And God Created Woman' stars Rebecca De Mornay as Robin, a prison inmate who convinces the prison handyman (Spano) to marry her for a large sum of money so she can get released on parole. When she's out, they move in together and don't get along. Robin starts a rock-band, hoping to fulfill her life long dreams of becoming famous. Soon Robin catches the eye of local senator James Tiernan, and they eventually have an affair. As Robin's new found freedom is put in jeopardy, she must do whatever she can to remain free, while not hurting the man she really loves.

If there was ever a movie looking for a point, this is it. The movie has no direction, it wants to be too many things and ends up nowhere. There are prison breaks, gratuitous sex, family squabbles, political banquets, and rock bands. The writing in this is so over the top I had a hard time figuring out if this movie was intended as a drama or a comedy.

Hack director Roger Vadim, remaking his own 1956 film of the same name, had hoped this might do for De Morney what the original film did for famous sex symbol Brigitte Bardot, but the film turned out to be a box-office dud, and she'd have to wait a few more years before her chilling performance in 'The Hand That Rocks the Cradle' finally saw her deservedly hit the big time.



Final Verdict: Skip It

1969 (1986)

Directed by: Ernest Thompson
Written by: Ernest Thompson
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Kiefer Sutherland, Bruce Dern, Mariette Hartley, Winona Ryder, Joanna Cassidy

Kiefer Sutherland plays Scott, a naïve and idealistic 19-year-old who attends college with his best friend Ralph (Downey Jr.) to avoid being drafted into the army and shipped out to Vietnam, the fate that has befallen his older brother. The film focuses on the boy's experiences during their last summer of innocence, but nothing much really happens. They go to San Francisco, sit in a bar, then come straight home again. Ralph has a bad LSD trip, while Scott falls in love with Ralph's younger sister (Ryder,) and grows increasingly adrift from his war-hero father (Dern) over the war in Vietnam. Even though the film takes place in 1969, nothing of that era is successfully captured here, and the presence of three young stars of the 80's doesn't help either.

Watching it, you sit there waiting for something meaningful to happen, something interesting that might make you give a damn about the people involved. You wait and you wait, and finally, five minutes from the end credits, the film pulls an 'inspiring' and 'uplifting' scene that is truly horrible to watch. I really mean that – it's horrible. I couldn't believe it was actually happening, or that a screenwriter of any merit would expect us to believe that the characters' deeply ingrained convictions about a subject as complex as that which he has tried to tackle could be swept aside so superficially.



Final Verdict: Skip It

Weird Science (1985)

Directed by: John Hughes
Written by: John Hughes
Starring: Kelly LeBrock, Anthony Michael Hall, Ilan Mitchell-Smith, Bill Paxton, Suzanne Snyder, Judie Aronson, Robert Downey Jr., Robert Rusler, Vernon Wells, Michael Berryman

The plot is simple. Two unpopular teenage virgins (Hall and Mitchell-Smith) use a supercomputer to build the perfect woman (Kelly LeBrock.) She's programed to give them whatever they want. (Why they only create one for the two of them is a little kinky, no?) Instead of giving them what they want, the all-knowing Lisa gives them what she knows they really want. They want to be popular, well liked, cool, and most of all, popular with the ladies. So she sets out to boost their confidence using her magic powers and sex appeal in various ways.

The boys deal with bullies (Robert Downey Jr. and Robert Rusler,) a nasty older brother (Bill Paxton,) uptight parents, a gang of mutant bikers, a nuclear warhead in the living room, and cranky grandparents, all while gaining respect from their classmates and winning the affection of two popular girls from school.

Personally, I have never been big a fan of John Hughes movies*. I think 'Sixteen Candles,' 'Ferris Bueller,' and 'The Breakfast Club' are all overrated. They're not bad movies, I've just never personally found them very interesting.

But I really enjoyed 'Weird Science.' It's probably one of the most unpretentious films I've ever seen. It's random, funny, bizarre and has a refreshing anarchic feel to it. It's like a punk film without the punks.

Watch the Trailer

Final Verdict: See It

*Excludes the first three 'Vacation' movies, 'Class Reunion,' 'Uncle Buck,' 'Home Alone 1 & 2,' 'Beethoven 1 & 2,' and 'Dennis the Menace.' All films I cherish from my childhood. He only wrote those ones.

Gandhi (1982)

Directed by: Richard Attenborough
Written by: John Briley
Starring: Ben Kingsley, Rohini Hattangadi, Candice Bergen, Edward Fox, John Gielgud, Trevor Howard, John Mills, Martin Sheen, Ian Charleson, Athol Fugard, Geraldine James

The only times I've ever heard this film mentioned it was usually disparaging remarks about how it's overrated or how it stole awards from more deserving films the year it was released. Because of those comments I never really had much desire to see 'Gandhi.' What a mistake. This film is a masterpiece in every sense of the word.

The film follows Mohandas K. Gandhi from when he was a young lawyer in South Africa, leading non-violent protest against the colonial British powers, to his assassination many years later, after he became known as 'The Father of India.' We see his struggles to unite the native population of India, including Hindus, Muslims and Sikhs, to peacefully reject the authority of the British Empire through non-cooperation. We witness the sacrifices he and his followers made to sustain their vision of a free India, the torrents of abuse those who followed him suffered, and the astonishing way they all took it in stride, and the notoriety he and the movement gained all over the world.

Of all the bio-pics I've seen, this is definitely at the top of the list. While other films need to romanticize and glorify their subjects, the real life Gandhi was fascinating enough not to warrant any embellishment on the filmmakers part.

Over the three hour running time we not only get a thoughtful, detailed biography of this fascinating man, but we also get a history of India. We learn what it was like as a native living under Colonial rule, and what the country was like after the British left. We see what caused the rift between Muslims and Hindus, and the creation of present day Pakistan, and the tense, violent relations that still exist between the two nations today.

In other films the actors playing their real life counterparts rarely disappear into their character. Ben Kingsley not only disappears into his role, he becomes Gandhi. Never once during the three hours did I catch myself thinking 'Hmm Ben Kingsley is acting really well!' I can't say that about many of the other acclaimed bio-pics I've seen. On top of Kingsley's brilliant performance, we have a large, wonderful supporting cast. The film also boasts beautiful cinematography and a gorgeous musical score. All of these elements make the long running time fly by.

The makers of this film tried to get it made for over a decade, but kept reaching dead ends. It's a good thing that they pushed through the Hollywood bullshit and were able to make it. Not one minute or one penny were wasted on this magnificent film.

'Gandhi' won Academy Awards for Actor, Director, Original Screenplay, Cinematography, Art Direction, Costume Design, Editing, and Best Picture. Looking over the list of people and films it beat out, 'Gandhi' deserved every statuette it received.



Final Verdict: See It

Terror At London Bridge (1985) aka Bridge Across Time

Directed by: E.W. Swackhamer
Written by: William F. Nolan
Starring: David Hasselhoff, Stepfanie Kramer, Randolph Mantooth, Adrienne Barbeau, Clu Gulager, Rose Marie

In 1888 Jack the Ripper is shot by police and dies in the Thames river. In 1985 the last original stone used to rebuild the London Bridge in Lake Havasu, Arizona is laid, and all the city is happy. But since that moment some strange murders occur in the quiet tourist destination. The policeman Don Gregory (Hasselhoff) has some suspects, but his ideas are quite strange. He thinks that Jack the Ripper has somehow been revived. Nobody believes him, even though he is, in fact, correct.

When I sat down to watch this, I didn't expect a masterpiece. I just expected it to be a bad 80's horror movie that would be good for some laughs and some gore. But this is a made-for-television horror film that should never have been made. The premise is ridiculous, the film is scare free, and the acting is atrocious. And since it was made for TV, there is no gore, just women screaming as Jack raises a blade as we fade to commercial.

This film isn't even good for some laughs. Despite the presence of the always terrible Hasselhoff and cult icon Adrienne Barbeau (who is given nothing interesting to do,) the movie is boring, plodding along until it's predictable conclusion.



Final Verdict: Skip It

Exposed (1983)

Directed by: James Toback
Written by: James Toback
Starring: Nastassja Kinski, Rudolf Nureyev, Harvey Keitel, Ian McShane, Bibi Andersson, Ron Randell

Every once in a while, you see a movie so dull and so stupid, you have to wonder if drugs were somehow involved in making the film. 'Exposed' is one of those films.

The plot of this film doesn't unravel, it oozes like molasses in January. Nastassja Kinski plays a Wisconsin farm girl named Elizabeth who leaves home and runs away to New York. After being discovered by a fashion photographer (McShane) she is whisked away into the glamorous world of fashion. Soon she's in Europe, and is recruited by a mysterious violin player (the awful corpse-like Rudolf Nureyev) to infiltrate a terrorist organization and kill it's leader. The leader is played by Harvey Keitel, who is given next to nothing to do.

The only good scene is at the very beginning when two terrorist babes blow up a Parisian restaurant. But it all goes downhill from there. In more capable hands and with a better cast, this film could have been good. But everything is a mess. The script is convoluted and boring, the acting is atrocious, the direction is flat, there is no suspense, and no characters that seem even human.

Oddly, so many people seem to praise Nastassja Kinski as a great actress. I've just never seen it. In every film I've seen her in she just seems vacant and bored, but this is Kinski at her worst, no doubt.



Final Verdict: Skip It

A Small Circle of Friends (1980)

Directed by: Rob Cohen
Written by: Ezra Sacks
Starring: Brad Davis, Karen Allen, Jameson Parker, Shelley Long, John Friedrich, Gary Springer, Richard Nelson

This film follows the lives of three friends (Davis, Allen, and Parker) as they attend Harvard in the 1960's. They meet, bond, fall in and out of love, and challenge the system during the time of social upheaval and student unrest. Their friendship is complicated when a love triangle develops, and it takes a senseless tragedy to bring them crashing back down to earth.

Like many films set in this era, most key events, from LBJ refusing to seek a second term to the rise of the far left terrorist groups, are seen through the eyes of the main characters. But unlike films like 'Forrest Gump,' the historical references feel more organic to the film, and not just points on a timeline.

The three leads are very good as well. Through the various ups and downs in their friendships and the world around them, Brad Davis, Karen Allen and Jameson Parker manage to communicate the changes their characters go through over the two decades this film spans. Even though some of the film borders on melodrama, there are enough interesting sections of the film that keep it from becoming trite.

But what I liked most about this film was that it doesn't romanticize the counter-culture. It shows the flaws in the idealism and that not everyone who was against the war was an enlightened peace loving flower child. But it also shows the good things. Like the sense of community, protest through art, and an embracing of love over violence. 'A Small Circle of Friends' manages to show that the hippies were individuals making their own choices and dealing with the consequences, and not some giant smelly organism that shared a collective consciousness.


Final Verdict: See It

Wildcats (1986)

Directed by: Michael Ritchie
Written by: Ezra Sacks
Starring: Goldie Hawn, Swoosie Kurtz, Robyn Lively, James Keach, Jan Hooks, Bruce McGill, Nipsey Russell, Mykelti Williamson, Wesley Snipes, Woody Harrelson

In the 1980's there wasn't a bigger female comedy star than Goldie Hawn. She excelled at playing the 'fish out of water' character in films like 'Private Benjamin,' 'Protocol,' and 'Overboard.' 'Wildcats' has the same formula those films had, only instead of the Army, Washington DC, or abject poverty, Goldie finds herself coaching football.

Here Goldie plays Molly, a divorced mother of two who has always dreamed of coaching a football team. But throughout her coaching career all she's been allowed to do was coach female track and field. When Molly gets the opportunity to take a head coaching job in an inner city school, she jumps at the chance. When she arrives at the school she is faced by a disorganized and disrespectful team of players. They don't want her as their coach, but she sticks to her guns, and she fights to gain their respect and obedience.

Of all the comedies that Goldie has starred in, this isn't one of her best. She's still great in this, but the film is overlong, bogged down by a buzz killing custody storyline with her schmuck ex-husband (Keach) and her two kids. There's also alot of unfunny 'fart humor' on display, but thankfully not from Goldie's character.

But when the film is good, it's good. Besides the custody storyline, things move at a brisk, fun pace. It's fun to watch Goldie work to get the team to see eye to eye with her, or hunt down the truant quarterback in the ghetto and almost get herself caught up in a robbery, or hide a rival teams goat mascot in the locker room.

This isn't really heavy stuff here, but it is a fun 80's comedy with a great star doing what she does best. So if you're a fan of Goldie Hawn and 80's comedies, check this out.

Final Verdict: See It

The Gate (1987)

Directed by: Tibor Takacs
Written by: Michael Nankin
Starring: Stephen Dorff, Christa Denton, Louis Tripp, Kelly Rowan, Jennifer Irwin

When three kids (Dorff, Denton, and Tripp) accidentally open up a gateway to hell in their backyard, an army of demon creatures is unleashed. While their parents are away, it's up to them and their friends to defeat the evil creatures and close the portal.

This late 80's train-wreck is rips off both 'Gremlins' and 'Poltergeist.' We get a suburban tract house as the source of evil and cheesy demonic apparitions. But we also get little gray claymation creatures running around. As the film goes on each scene gets more ridiculous than the last, until the laughably bad final showdown. That's all there really is to say about this instantly forgettable kiddie horror flick.

Final Verdict: Skip It

Full Moon High (1981)

Directed by: Larry Cohen
Written by: Larry Cohen
Starring: Adam Arkin, Ed McMahon, Roz Kelly, Kenneth Mars, Alan Arkin, Demond Wilson, Bob Saget, Joanne Nail, Pat Morita, Elizabeth Hartmen

In this send-up of horror films, 50's cold war paranoia, Reagan-era America, and high school films, Adam Arkin plays Tony, the star quarterback of Full Moon High in the 1950's. He and his father (Ed McMahon) travel to communist Romania and while he's lost in the streets one night, he is bitten by a werewolf. When he returns stateside, he cannot control his animalistic urges and goes on a killing spree. Frustrated, he flees town. Decades later, the immortal Tony returns to town and re-enrolls in highschool. He still can't control his transformations, and the townspeople, and his friends, realize he's not quite human. It all culminates during the schools big football game.

I expected this to be one of those 'so bad it's good' films from the early 80's. But I was surprised that the film was actually, legitimately funny. The cast, including Kenneth Mars as a pervy coach, Roz Kelly as Tony's lusty former flame, Demond Wilson as a bus driver, and Alan Arkin as a oddball doctor, go all out, with hilarious results.

While watching this film I was struck by how similar the writing and humor were to 'Family Guy.' 'Full Moon High' has that same anything goes attitude and never takes itself seriously.



Final Verdict: See It

Choose Me (1984)

Directed by: Alan Rudolph
Written by: Alan Rudolph
Starring: Genevieve Bujold, Keith Carradine, Lesley Ann Warren, Patrick Bauchau, Rae Dawn Chong, John Larroquette

'Choose Me' concerns the interconnected love lives of several attractive people living in Los Angeles. They include a radio host (Bujold,) an escaped mental patient (Carradine,) an owner of a nightclub (Warren,) her married lover (Patrick Bauchau,) and his bored wife (Chong.) All these characters cross paths constantly. The nightclub owner calls the radio show for love advice, the radio host moves in with the nightclub owner, the mental patient sleeps with both of them, separately. Also getting involved are the married man, who plays poker with and fights the mental patient, who then sleeps with his wife, who hangs out at the nightclub.

It's all very convoluted and unbelievable. The ridiculous coincidences in this movie make the forced connections in 'Crash' seem absolutely brilliant. And none of it is ever very interesting. This was supposed to be a 'serious comedy' but all it turned out to be was a boring cheese-fest.

No one comes out of this unscathed. Everyone gives terrible performances, especially Rae Dawn Chong. The scene where her husband finds her in bed with the mental patient is hilarious for all the wrong reasons.

'Choose Me' also has a horrible soundtrack. Over all the scenes that should be romantic or dramatic, R&B songs by Teddy Pendergrass are played. It makes this already boring movie even harder to watch. On their own the songs aren't bad, but they just seem so out of place in this film.

Final Verdict: Skip It

Blue Steel (1989)

Directed by: Kathryn Bigelow
Written by: Kathryn Bigelow + Eric Red
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Ron Silver, Clancy Brown, Elizabeth Pena, Louise Fletcher, Philip Bosco, Kevin Dunn, Richard Jenkins

There have always been so few female directors working in mainstream cinema, I always try to see as many of their films as I can. In this case it was a film by Kathryn Bigelow, 1989's cop thriller 'Blue Steel.'

Jamie Lee Curtis plays a rookie cop who guns down a robber in a grocery store hold-up. Unbeknownst to her, a stockbroker, played by Ron Silver, picks up the crooks gun. Soon he's obsessed with Curtis and out in the streets at night murdering random people. He tracks her down, stalks her, even takes her to dinner. When Curtis finds out that he's the madman responsible for the murders plaguing the city, they both enter into a deadly game of cat and mouse.

I've always found Kathryn Bigelow interesting. Unlike acclaimed female directors like Jane Campion and Mira Nair, Bigelow's films are aggressive, even masculine. Some of her credits include 'Near Dark,' 'Point Break,' 'Strange Days,' and this years critical hit 'The Hurt Locker.' Watching any of these films you'd have no idea they had a female behind the camera. And that's why I like her so much. She breaks the mold of what kind of pictures female directors 'should' make.

So I was looking forward to sitting down and enjoying 'Blue Steel.' Sadly, I really didn't. The problem isn't the acting or directing, it's the script. The first half of the film is tight and suspenseful, but the second half is full of cliches and plot holes.
The cinematography however, is pretty good, and sort of distracts you from the dull proceedings. It's reminiscent of a Ridley Scott film from the 80's.

All in all, 'Blue Steel' isn't terrible, it's just not very believable or exciting. There was a great movie that could have been made here, but because of the lousy script, we got a mediocre one.



Final Verdict: Skip It

The Terminator (1984)

Directed by: James Cameron
Written by: Harlan Ellison; James Cameron, Gale Anne Hurd + William Wisher Jr.
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Michael Biehn, Linda Hamilton, Paul Winfield, Lance Henriksen, Bess Motta

I think the majority of people have seen this movie. However, I had only seen parts 2 and 3.

The story is familiar to most. A cyborg is sent back in time from the future to kill Sarah Conner, who will give birth the the leader of the human rebellion in the future. Also arriving back in time is human hottie Michael Biehn, who has sworn to protect Sarah.

I thought the story of an emotionless killing machine terminating anyone in the Los Angeles area with the name of Sarah Conner was just so twisted and just thinking of it makes my skin crawl. That's why I classify this film as more of a horror film than science fiction. There is a monster after Sarah Conner, and she needs to run. Sounds more like 'Halloween' than 'Star Trek' to me.

The sequels are definitely science fiction, but 'The Terminator' relies on suspense and a tight, efficient script over large special effects sequences. But very few films blend genres so well, but James Cameron really pulled it off here. (As he did with 'Aliens' a couple years later.)

So if you want to see when science fiction wasn't all transforming cars and web slinging superheroes, revisit this classic.



Final Verdict: See It