Dead Of Winter (1987)

Directed by: Arthur Penn
Written by: Marc Shmuger + Mark Malone
Starring: Mary Steenburgen, Roddy McDowell, Jan Rubes, William Russ, Ken Pogue, Wayne Robson, Mark Malone

Mary Steenburgen plays Katie, a down on her luck actress who is told that she is being considered to take over a film role that was being played by someone else who greatly resembles her. The casting director (Roddy McDoweel) tell her that the first actress had a breakdown and ran away from the set. She is taken to a snowbound country house in remote upstate New York to film an audition tape for the eldery, wheelchair bound producer (Jan Rubes.) After she arrives, things begin to look as if they are not what they seem. Katie soon realizes she is in incredible danger and attempts escape.

With a premise straight out of a 40's suspense melodrama, I didn't expect much from this film. Like most bad thrillers, the most entertaining portions of the film occur in the last twenty minutes, after the damsel in distress finally pieces things together and has to fight for her life. But the majority of the movie is just tedious set-up and scenes of Katie acting like an idiot as she uncovers what her hosts are really up to.

Is she so desperate for a job that she'd go to a remote house out in the country with a complete stranger, just to shoot an audition tape? If you see your drivers license burning in a fireplace, would you not automatically question your hosts? The movie is filled with situations where Katie is forced to do something stupid in order to move the story along. I've seen this so many times in so many of these kinds of movies, but at least sometimes it's exciting. Not here.



Like I said, things pick up in the last act. When Katie's evil Doppelgänger shows up, things get interesting, mainly because we get to see Steenburgen play two different roles, one timid and afraid, the other heartless and evil. Unfortunately for the film, but not for me, their final confrontation is so absurdly shot and choreographed, the scene intended to be tense turns out to be hilarious camp straight out of a Joan Crawford or Bette Davis thriller from the twilight of their careers.

To sum things up the movie isn't a complete disaster, it's just too derivative of films of the past, and doesn't add anything new to the 'woman in distress' thriller sub-genre. Steenburgen is pretty good, even if her character can be a complete idiot at times, and Roddy McDowell has some demented fun when the shit finally hits the fan during the climax.



Final Verdict: See It (if you don't mind cliches.)

Mr. Frost (1990)

Directed by: Philippe Setbon
Written by: Derry Hall + Brad Lynch
Starring: Jeff Goldblum, Alan Bates, Kathy Baker, Jean-Pierre Cassel, Vincent Schiavelli, Maxime Leroux, Francois Negret

When an insane mass murderer Mr. Frost (Jeff Goldblum) arrives at a secluded European psychiatric hospital, the only female doctor on the staff (Kathy Baker) finds herself strangely fascinated by him. He only speaks when she is around, and she is slowly seduced by his odd charms and mystique, despite his bloody past. Soon odd, frightening and deadly things begin to occur inside and outside of the clinic, and Mr. Frost reveals that he is more than just a mad serial killer, he claims he is Satan himself, and it is up to the doctor and a policeman (Alan Bates) to stop him.

For a so called horror film, nothing even remotely scary happens. Sure a few people are murdered and some 'scary' visions are seen, but even when these things happen, the filmmakers manage to make it boring, from beginning to end.

All the actors are terrible, especially Goldblum, who basically plays the same character he always plays but with long hair and a bad mood. The usually adept Kathy Baker seems bored whenever she isn't in some sort of trance or in Frost's thrall.

This movie has an interesting premise, but the script is pretty stupid, and the execution is even worse. Whether it was from budget constraints, a bad director, a satanic curse, or a mixture of all these things, the film is just awful. A better director could have taken the crappy script, improved on it's interesting conceits, and made a somewhat entertaining supernatural thriller. But there's no such luck here. What we get is a dull, wannabe intelligent horror film. It shoots to be in league with 'The Exorcist' but ends up in the toilet with 'Bless the Child.'



Final Verdict: Skip It

And God Created Woman (1988)

Directed by: Roger Vadim
Written by: R.J. Stewart
Starring: Rebecca De Mornay, Vincent Spano, Frank Lengella, Donovan Leitch, Judith Chapman

Probably one of the worst movies of the 1980's, 'And God Created Woman' stars Rebecca De Mornay as Robin, a prison inmate who convinces the prison handyman (Spano) to marry her for a large sum of money so she can get released on parole. When she's out, they move in together and don't get along. Robin starts a rock-band, hoping to fulfill her life long dreams of becoming famous. Soon Robin catches the eye of local senator James Tiernan, and they eventually have an affair. As Robin's new found freedom is put in jeopardy, she must do whatever she can to remain free, while not hurting the man she really loves.

If there was ever a movie looking for a point, this is it. The movie has no direction, it wants to be too many things and ends up nowhere. There are prison breaks, gratuitous sex, family squabbles, political banquets, and rock bands. The writing in this is so over the top I had a hard time figuring out if this movie was intended as a drama or a comedy.

Hack director Roger Vadim, remaking his own 1956 film of the same name, had hoped this might do for De Morney what the original film did for famous sex symbol Brigitte Bardot, but the film turned out to be a box-office dud, and she'd have to wait a few more years before her chilling performance in 'The Hand That Rocks the Cradle' finally saw her deservedly hit the big time.



Final Verdict: Skip It

I Saw What You Did (1965)

Directed by: William Castle
Written by: Ursula Curtiss; William P. McGivern
Starring: John Ireland, Sara Lane, Andi Garrett, Sharyl Locke, Joan Crawford, Leif Erickson

A trio of teenage girls spend the night alone in a big old house making prank calls to people from the phonebook. They have the incredibly bad luck of calling a man who has just murdered his wife and telling him, "I saw what you did, and I know who you are!" Thinking they are serious, the killer decides to find them and do them in. Also involved in all of this is the killers amorous neighbor, played by Joan Crawford, who sticks her nose into her neighbors business one too many times.

What a great idea gone to crap. The photography is flat, the acting is beyond weak, the score was from a 1960's sitcom, and the 'thrills' are non-existent. This movie has such a foolproof concept, but the writing is contrived and convenient. I try to see a silver lining in most bad movies, especially one that features Crawford, but there's no hope for this one.



Final Verdict: Skip It

Mr. Billion (1977)

Directed by: Jonathan Kaplan
Written by: Ken Friedman + Jonathan Kaplan
Starring: Terence Hill, Valerie Perrine, Jackie Gleason, Slim Pickens, William Redfield, Chill Wills

In this awful late 70's cross country adventure film, Italian actor Terence Hill plays Guido Falcone, the recipient of his recently deceased uncles estate. Guido lives in a small village in Italy where he fixes cars for a living. He is visited by John Cutler, his uncles former right-hand man at the Falcon Bank in San Francisco. He informs Guido that he has 20 days to make it to San Francisco, or the inheritance will be null and void. Soon Guido is in New York and Cutler is back in San Francisco. Cutler has his greedy eyes on Guido's money and new found power at the bank. So he hires the sexy Rosie Jones to seduce Guido on his was to California, and trick him into signing over power of attorney to Cutler. What follows is an episodic cross country lark involving kidnappings, cowboys, explosions, bar fights, car chases, gunfights and other misadventures.

This movie might have been tolerable if the leads could actually act. Terence Hill and Valerie Perrine are embarrassingly bad. Watching Terence Hill in this made me wonder if the directors just grabbed the first decent looking italian guy they could find, rolled camera, and told him to read the cue cards.

Valerie Perrine, most well known (and funny) as Lex Luthor's main squeeze in the first two 'Superman' films, borders on bad camp in this. I must say her scenes were funny but not for the reasons intended. Her introduction scene is notably guffaw worthy.

But sadly, this isn't a good movie to watch to laugh at. Although there are a few unintentional howlers here and there, most of the movie is just plain boring.

There are some good arial shots along the way, and Slim Pickens makes things a little more fun when he's on screen, but all in all this is a true dud.

Final Verdict: Skip It

The Gate (1987)

Directed by: Tibor Takacs
Written by: Michael Nankin
Starring: Stephen Dorff, Christa Denton, Louis Tripp, Kelly Rowan, Jennifer Irwin

When three kids (Dorff, Denton, and Tripp) accidentally open up a gateway to hell in their backyard, an army of demon creatures is unleashed. While their parents are away, it's up to them and their friends to defeat the evil creatures and close the portal.

This late 80's train-wreck is rips off both 'Gremlins' and 'Poltergeist.' We get a suburban tract house as the source of evil and cheesy demonic apparitions. But we also get little gray claymation creatures running around. As the film goes on each scene gets more ridiculous than the last, until the laughably bad final showdown. That's all there really is to say about this instantly forgettable kiddie horror flick.

Final Verdict: Skip It

Full Moon High (1981)

Directed by: Larry Cohen
Written by: Larry Cohen
Starring: Adam Arkin, Ed McMahon, Roz Kelly, Kenneth Mars, Alan Arkin, Demond Wilson, Bob Saget, Joanne Nail, Pat Morita, Elizabeth Hartmen

In this send-up of horror films, 50's cold war paranoia, Reagan-era America, and high school films, Adam Arkin plays Tony, the star quarterback of Full Moon High in the 1950's. He and his father (Ed McMahon) travel to communist Romania and while he's lost in the streets one night, he is bitten by a werewolf. When he returns stateside, he cannot control his animalistic urges and goes on a killing spree. Frustrated, he flees town. Decades later, the immortal Tony returns to town and re-enrolls in highschool. He still can't control his transformations, and the townspeople, and his friends, realize he's not quite human. It all culminates during the schools big football game.

I expected this to be one of those 'so bad it's good' films from the early 80's. But I was surprised that the film was actually, legitimately funny. The cast, including Kenneth Mars as a pervy coach, Roz Kelly as Tony's lusty former flame, Demond Wilson as a bus driver, and Alan Arkin as a oddball doctor, go all out, with hilarious results.

While watching this film I was struck by how similar the writing and humor were to 'Family Guy.' 'Full Moon High' has that same anything goes attitude and never takes itself seriously.



Final Verdict: See It

Women's Prison (1955)

Directed by: Lewis Seiler
Written by: Jack DeWitt
Starring: Ida Lupino, Jan Sterling, Cleo Moore, Audrey Totter, Phyllis Thaxter, Howard Duff

Sadly, there's not really much to say about this 50's women in prison melodrama. It's one of those movies that haven't aged well at all, and remain as interesting as a bucket of dust. The usually excellent Ida Lupino stars as the cruel warden in charge of the female side of a co-ed prison facility. After a female inmate gets pregnant, Ida Lupino's warden goes into a frenzy. She ends up beating the pregnant woman to death, and this results in the other gals rioting.

I haven't seen many of these so-called 'women in cages' films, but this film seems to mark the turning point when these types of films, up until then regarded as respectable dramas, transformed into sleazy exploitation.

Final Verdict: Skip It